ACT 1

MOE JONES, a thirty-something out of work actor and desperate for his next gig, is late for acting class when he steals a parking slot from JOHNNY KREMEN a flash Hollywood executive with an expensive car and an attitude to match.

After class and a run in with his Apartment Manager to whom he owes rent, Moe is body slammed into the mailbox by his neighbor GARRY a tightly wound and unemployed screen-writer who’s discovered that Moe has been borrowing his Daily Variety without permission.

Moe and Garry strike up an uneasy friendship which revolves around Moe trying to read Daily variety over Garry’s shoulder while Garry whines about the shortage of buyers for his screenplay ‘Cargo’.

When Moe’s sleazy agent, JOSEPH WILT, fires him Moe is at the end of his tether until he notices a story in Garry’s Variety announcing that Johnny Kremen will be producing the next Die Hard movie.

Moe reasons that if he can secure the part of the bad guy his future in Hollywood will be assured – after all getting a reading should be easy as he knows Johnny Kremen personally. Being innocent of the dynamic of their ‘friendship’ Garry cajoles Moe into promising he will slip a copy of Cargo into Kremen’s hands.

ACT 2

Without an appointment Moe is turned away from Kremen Kommunications by Kremen’s Goth-chick assistant VIVIAN. A dispirited Moe is about to leave the building when he hatches a cunning plan to sidetrack Kremen in the men’s room and ask for the bad guy part.

The plan works perfectly until Moe inadvertently pees on Kremen’s shiny Gucci loafers and Vivian is instructed by Kremen to keep Moe away from him at all costs – but Moe’s official banishment from the building has given him enough time to see a copy of the Die Hard script in Kremen’s office. If only he can secure a copy.

After doing Joseph Wilt a favor to pay his rent Moe finds the sleazy percenter in a compromising situation involving red satin shorts, handcuffs and a gag. Moe uses the opportunity to press-gang the slimy Wilt into helping him run down an audition for the Die Hard role – a role he will rehearse for once he can get his hands on a script.

Moe out-lines a plan for stealing the script and enlists the help of the unenthusiastic Garry and PAUL SPRING, another neighbor, whom Garry is delighted to discover is a well known porn star and frustrated film director.

Paul, pretending to be a headhunter, lures Vivian out of the office at lunchtime while Moe, masquerading as a Florist, delivers a plant to Kremen Kommunications, filches a script and rushes to Xerox the document while Paul sweet-talks Vivian. The plan goes awry when Garry, who’s scheduled to return the script in a Fed-Ex package, injures himself. Moe takes control only to collide with Kremen in the elevator of his building. Kremen is too distracted to notice Moe’s presence but, to Moe’s horror, insists on opening the package. Moe’s fears change to fury when it’s revealed that Garry’s switched the hi-jacked Die Hard script for a copy of Cargo.

Moe studies hard for Martinez, the bad-guy role, but, worried that Vivian will get into trouble for the missing script, tries to slip the stolen document back into Vivian’s possession as she’s fly-posting for her band, the Jaded Vampires. Moe and Vivian become friends and Moe overhears her discussing plans for Kremen and Bruce Willis to host a children’s party the following day.

Needless to say Moe’s plan to dress himself up as a Dinosaur and infiltrate the Kremen-Willis fun-fest is another ignominious defeat for our intrepid hero.

While helping deliver amps and Goth-rockers to a rehearsal for the Jaded Vampires Moe elicits another useful tidbit from Vivian: Kremen will be appearing at an upcoming Awards ceremony to collect a statuette. Moe reasons that if he immerses himself into the Martinez role, dresses up in character, and ambushes the self-obsessed Kremen outside the event, the part will inevitably be his.

Enlisting Garry’s help as his videographer Moe succeeds brilliantly in attracting Vivian’s attention and ambushing Kremen – but Kremen’s short temper and aggressive nature deliver a right hook to Garry’s nose and a Knock-Out to Moe’s Plans.

ACT 3

Next day Moe…wait a minute. You think we’re gonna tell you the end of the story?

Bollocks to that. Get involved or come and see the movie.